Thelma and Louise and Their Goats

Dear Laney,

It ain't a party in Montana 'til someone shows up with goats.

On Sunday, we invited Cedar and her family over for a cook-out and suggested they bring the goats along. We haven't gotten around to mowing the grass a single time this year, so why not let the goats have an all-you-can-graze bonanza (which reminds me, you should avoid all Golden Corral locations in Arkansas after church on Sundays).

As always, the highlight of our time together was watching you and Cedar play. As is your new habit, you hit the front walk with car keys in hand, headed for the Subaru. But this time, you had an accomplice. Watching the two of you head out to the driveway, Todd said, "I guess we're going to have to learn to let go sometime."

Before heading off on your cross-country crime spree, maybe you could teach Cedar that trick of yours where you lay on the horn with your tummy. I'm sure her parents would love that.

Love,

Mom

Apparently, You Have Better Things To Do

Dear Laney,

Your dad and I have spent the better part of this weekend remodeling the closet in our bedroom. We're putting in real walls and a real floor, and painting all of our shelving before we re-install it.

At first, you were a big fan of this home improvement project, and you enjoyed being your dad's assistant.

But then - like your mother - you realized that DIY projects are always a lot more fun in theory than in practice and you were ready to move on to something more fun.

I should point out that most of this Saturday, the temperature here at our house was a balmy 48 degrees. I wore a thermal shirt, a sweatshirt, long pants, expedition socks and boots. Your dad did not. Because of the cold, you and I spent a lot of time playing in the living room. I thought we were having a heckuva time, until you grabbed the car keys and said, "Eese."

"Yes, those are the car keys. What do you need those for?"

You walked to the back door, knocked on it, and said "Out!"

I wonder sometimes if you think I'm a total monkey, and I can only absorb one-syllable directives. I would hate to think that you're toddling around, thinking of your mother as the weakest link.

Anyway, I opened the door and let you outside, where you ran to the side of the truck and said "Ruck!" Thinking that you just wanted to stand in the driver's seat and pretend to steer, I hoisted you up into the seat. But no - you climbed over into your car seat and started trying to buckle yourself in. You motioned for me to get behind the wheel. Playing along, I asked, "Where we goin' today, Miss Daisy?"

'Cool.

You want to go to school?

Yah.

There isn't any school today, sweet girl. It's the weekend.

blank stare, indicating that I am a dream killer.

On one hand, I'm glad that I'm paying for you to spend your mornings at a place you really like. On the other hand, you'd rather go there than hang out with your dad and me, and that's not 'cool at all. Or can I come, too?

Love,

Mom

A Concise Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, Laney had a new car. Cedar touched it. The end.

Dear Laney,

Congratulations on deciding to become a two year-old about three months too early.

Love,

Mom

Taking One Last Lap

Dear Laney,

Peg Peg and Tex had a 5am flight on Wednesday morning, so they decided to spend Tuesday night at the Hilton by the airport. We argued with them, and insisted we didn't mind getting up in the middle of the night to drive them to the airport. "We won't hear of you spending the night in a hotel!" we said.

And then we found out that the Hilton has a heated indoor pool.

We ran up the street to buy you a cheap bathing suit, and it was totally worth the $6 to watch that tankini try to do its job:

Thanks to your grandparents from Florida for such a great visit, and we hope to see them soon.

Love,

Mom

Bundle Up

Dear Laney,

You might not remember this, but last July, your grandfather from Georgia came for a visit, and we made fun of him for wearing his winter jacket every day even though the temperatures hovered in the low 60s. I thought he was the biggest baby I had ever seen, but I was wrong. Wrong, I say.

Because last week, Peg Peg topped him. I present the following evidence:

1) Peg Peg spent lots of time sitting in a parked car in our driveway working on her crossword puzzles, because she said it was the only warm spot on our whole property.

You were fine with this, because you love pretending to drive. Also, she taught you how to honk the horn with your stomach, which is the kind of thing that would annoy our neighbors if we had any.

2) She took to wearing my bathrobe over her clothes for added warmth.

You can take the grandmother out of Florida, but you can't take the Florida out of the grandmother.

Love,

Mom

Flying In An Airplane - Ad Nauseum

Dear Laney,

As it turns out, you're not just obsessed with Barney, you're specifically fixated on one particular song, "The Airplane Song." If this song were a living thing, I would take out a contract on its life and have it disappeared.

Alas, it lives only on our Netflix Instant queue, and brings you great happiness. You and Peg Peg sang this song together umpteen times a day during her visit, and practiced the choreography constantly. My mother asked me, "Will you shoot some video of that and put it on the blog?" Now the rest of you readers know who to blame when the following song gets imbedded in your brain like a suspicious growth:

What's that? Picture-in-picture is so fancy schmancy? Yes, you're right. But it becomes less impressive when I confess that I had to watch a 12-year old's instructional video on YouTube to learn how to do it. Nothing makes you feel ancient like having to pause and rewind a seventh grader's video 'cause he's just moving too dang fast. Kids today.

Love,

Mom

Life In The Fast Lane

Dear Laney,

On Monday night, we went over to Uncle Nate and Auntie Brynn's for a cook-out. The food was good and the company was great, but the real news item here is that they got you a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe, which will henceforth be known as THE GREATEST GIFT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (insert gong sound effect here, for emphasis).

You got in, you got out, you honked the horn, you got in again, you recreated that scene from "Austin Powers," you got out, you pulled Uncle Nate out onto the deck to push you in the car, you honked the horn, you got out... etc, etc 'til we were all tuckered out. You know how you can go roller skating, and after you've stopped, you still feel like you're skating? There's no doubt in my mind that as you were lying in bed that night, you were still driving that car in your mind.

You made so many trips into the house, demanding that someone come outside and push you in the car that the adults started to pretend we couldn't see you when you came inside.

Uncle Nate has also invented a game that the two of you like to play, called "Body Slam." It's from the same kind of Burbach genius* that brought you "Fencing" and "Buckethead." From what I can tell, the game consists of you pushing Nate, and Nate falling to the floor like he's in pain. You laugh like a hyena. Repeat times a zillion.

I would play this with you at home, but it looks suspiciously like an ab workout.

Love,

Mom

* Your dad also has a new summertime game called "Taco." He throws you in the hammock, pulls the sides up around you and tells "TACO!" I'm expecting that one to sweep the nation.

Purse Candy and Pocket Quarters

Dear Laney,

On our second morning in Spokane, Grandma Sue was able to have brunch with us at the hotel, then she and Dad took you to the park so Peg Peg and I could do some shopping. I think for the past several days, you've been living on a constant diet of chocolate and attention.

We all met up at the mall around noon, where Grandma Sue magically pulled out some quarters so you could "drive" the ice cream truck. I swear, it's like God had a secret meeting with our parents to say, "Welcome to grandparenthood...and here's your roll of quarters."

The only things more pervasive than quarters this weekend were M&Ms. Peg Peg carries little fun-sized packs, and you seem to know when she's holding. Not to be outdone, Tex let you ride his luggage.

We spent the afternoon in the hotel pool, which you loved.

The only downside to such an action-packed day is that you inevitably end up missing a nap, which makes you completely unreasonable by 6pm...or, roughly when we're seated for dinner. At the restaurant, you had a complete meltdown when I tried to borrow my fork back from you. This morning, I discovered the same dirty, cheesy fork in the pocket of your diaper bag. I may win the battle, but you seem to always win the war.

Speaking of war, enjoy this clip from our ride back to the hotel from dinner.

Love,

Mom

Happy Birthday, Tex!

Dear Laney,

Friday was Tex's birthday. To celebrate, we planned a fun-filled weekend in Spokane. We started our journey in the manner of every upscale, classy getaway: by giving a toddler a dime and her own scratch-off lottery ticket.

You hummed those stupid Barney songs all the way to Spokane, while doing the choreography you learned over the course of 48 viewings of "Barney's Song and Dance Spectacular," or whatever it's called. You like to do the moves in slow motion, so it sorta looks like we've taught you how to do Tai Chi. At least that's going to be the story I tell people.

Once in Spokane, we went out for burgers and shakes, and you let Tex (or, as you call him, "X"), color your placemat - very sweet of you to share.

After lunch, Tex let you play the driving video game (see previous post about grandparents and their unending supplies of quarters). I think the game was supposed to resemble the feel of driving a Corvette through Los Angeles. You managed to mow down dozens of animated bystanders and drive your car into more than one embankment. A heads up: if you're going to grow up to drive like that in real-world LA, you're going to need a really good publicist.

In the afternoon, we went to the children's museum where you learned how to fish in a Micronesian village. Since it looks like you actually caught something, maybe you could share a couple of pointers with your dad.

Grandma Sue called and offered to take you to play at her house while the rest of us took Tex out for a really nice dinner. We missed you, but it was nice to enjoy dinner without having to stop and explain why we'd rather eat our entrees than go play with the rocks in the parking lot. Thanks, Grandma Sue.

Happy birthday, Tex! Wishing you a year full of much love and happiness.

Love,

Mom

Ride 'Em, Cowgirl

Dear Laney,

Difference Between Mothers And Grandmothers, #381: A grandmother will actually fish the 50 cents out of the bottom of her purse so you can ride the bull at Walmart.

Overheard from Peg Peg's mouth today: "I'm no longer in the 'No' business."

Lucky me.

Love,

Mom

The Flood of 2011

Dear Laney,

Earlier this week, our basement flooded. A combination of record snowfall plus suddenly warm temperatures meant that our creek flooded its banks. Your dad assured me that this kind of thing happens only once every 25 years, but that's not very comforting when you're looking at 18+ inches of water in your basement. Good thing your dad owns a good pair of waders.

We fished out as many of our belongings as we could. I had been storing all of my dressy clothes and our winter coats down there, so they all got soaked. I used your playground to air them all out, which made our backyard look like a really fashionable tent city, occupied by refugees from Palm Springs.

Our stupid expensive new washing machine (with more bells and whistles than I could count) was killed by the flood, but our circa 1975 dryer ("Now With Interior Light!") still works just fine. I'm now looking to replace our washer with an avocado green or mustard gold model - something too ugly to die.

Peg Peg and I had to take all of our laundry into town and wash it at the laundromat. You know what's a million dollar idea? A laundromat-washing-machine-slash-slot-machine. At least you'd have a chance to win back the $50 in quarters you just spent.

Your dad has installed an extra sump pump, but at last inspection, we were still getting about 40 gallons of water per minute in our basement. Another million dollar idea: Brooke's Water World Underground Theme Park, $10/person.

Love,

Mom

My Big Purple Heartbreak

Dear Laney,

I don't know how it happened - what possessed me to turn on an episode of "Barney" for the first time. I think I did it as a joke, but it backfired, because you love it. No - you're obsessed. You will watch nothing else. It's so awful it gives me a rash. I want to slap the grin off of his big purple face.

I tried to put on "The Backyardigans" yesterday, and you screamed at me. This is heartbreaking, and not just because I miss Tyrone and Uniqua and their "Jackson 5"-like ditties. No, I'm also sitting on approximately $50 in Backyardigans merchandise for your 2nd birthday party.

You have until August to adjust your attitude, young lady... because I will NOT be buying Barney plates, cups or party favors. I just can't.

Love,

Mom

Mellow Yellow

Graduation Day

Dear Laney,

Yesterday, your dad graduated (with high honors) from grad school. I don't think I've ever been so proud. Peg Peg and Tex watched you while Grandma Sue and I went to the ceremony in Grizzly Stadium. We were so far up in the stands that we couldn't spot your dad, so I just took a whole mess of medium-range photos, figuring that we could find him "Where's Waldo?"-style when we got home. For being a completely stupid plan, it sort of worked:

At the beginning of the ceremony, three members of the Blackfoot Tribe performed a warrior song that they likened to their version of the national anthem.* I know this is probably the most culturally insensitive thing I will say all day, but our phone and internet service at home are provided by Blackfoot Telecommunications. Every time our internet goes down, I imagine these are the guys responsible:

Tom Brokaw was the commencement speaker, and he was exceptional.

This was the moment that your dad's degree was conferred - In the 2-hr ceremony, these were the important 30 seconds:

The rest of the family (including you) joined us at the Geography Dept where they actually handed your dad his degree.

After graduation, we all came back to our house for barbecue and an ice cream cake, and so your Uncle Nate could teach you How Not To Go Down The Slide.

It was an exciting and important day for our family, and I think we'll remember it always.

Love,

Mom

* Speaking of national anthems, if I'm ever elected President, I will insist that our national anthem be changed from the "Star Spangled Banner" to "America, the Beautiful" as performed by Ray Charles. You're welcome in advance, America.

Meltdown At The Mall

Dear Laney,

Yesterday, you got the day started off right by sharing a bowl of Shredded Wheat with your grandmother. You're going through this phase lately where you want to give me kisses on the mouth, but only after you've eaten something squishy and disgusting like this. I'm starting to suspect a conspiracy. A big, slobbery conspiracy.

We ran a few errands and walked around downtown, and then your dad met us for lunch at the Mexican restaurant where you took my camera from me and took this not-at-all-flattering picture of Peg Peg and Tex.

We had started to notice that the car was making a grinding sound. While Tex took it to the friendly folks at Subaru to check it out, us girls were trapped at the mall for two hours. "Oh, boo hoo," some of you might be saying, "You had to walk around the mall. Big whoop." Those people deserve a poke in the eye don't know what you're like when you haven't had a nap all day long.

Things started to go awry when I ran out of pennies for you to throw in the fountain.

Then, you locked yourself in a dressing room at Eddie Bauer, with no intention of coming out.

Finally, we went to the educational toy store, where you fell in love with a $70 mini metal replica of a shopping cart. You threw in a doll from a display and headed to the front door of the store, because you wanted to take the baby and the buggy on a cruise through the mall. I caught you before the shoplift sensor went off, and told you the merchandise had to remain in the store.

(dramatic pause)

You threw yourself down in the doorway of the store, banged your head on the ground and screamed. Then, while I was trying to pull you up by the arm, you flipped over and laid down on your back and screamed some more.

This is the difference between parents and grandparents: earlier this week, after a bout of bad behavior, you demanded to be taken outside and pushed on the swing. I overheard your dad say, "No, Laney, That's the kind of thing we do with reasonable babies, and you're not being very reasonable right now." A grandmother, on the other hand, will witness a full-throttle tantrum, then on the car ride home half an hour later, will lean up from the back seat and whisper, "You know, I would have bought the buggy."

sigh.

Love,

Mom