Montgomery

Hey, yall - 

From Florida, we headed north to Montgomery to visit the Morgan side of the family. I mean, if you're going to go to the trouble and expense to fly two small children across the country, you might as well see everydamnbody you're related to. 

I think by this point, the travel was starting to wear on us, since Laney requested some "alone time" in the middle of the backseat.

Traveling with Peg Peg and Tex is a different ballgame than traveling with the Burbachs. When WE leave home for a trip, we throw everything in the back, willy-nilly, say a quick, silent prayer that we have everything we need, remind ourselves that there will be stores where we're going, and then if we have the same number of people when we reach our destination, we're happy. 

Peg Peg and Tex pack way ahead of time, consult the weather, and then hermetically seal their luggage and strap it down in case it gets a mind to wander. 

We stopped at a beautiful botanical state park in the Florida panhandle which was fabulously creepy, and I'm sure inhabited by alligators and vampires.

On the plus side, we'd been traveling together for so long by this point that Tex and Hagen were on the same nap schedule. 

We arrived in Montgomery in time to attend a pool party in honor of the first birthday of my cousin Reed's baby, Keys. 

For the first time ever, Granny Jack got to have all of her great-grandchildren in one place.

Laney attached herself to my cousin John and wore him slap out. 

We celebrated the 4th of July with my uncle Chris and aunt Danae. 

We had a fireworks show in the front yard and a slip n' slide and water balloons and it was great fun.

Laney celebrated the 4th by liberating herself of about 4 inches of hair. 

In some ways, she's almost 16. But in other, beautiful ways, she's not.

Next up: Georgia!

Love,

Mom

Wrapping Up Florida

 Hey, y'all,

I know...I know...It's been so long since I updated the blog that it's almost cruel that I'm still talking about summer while there's a foot of snow outside, but there are a few things here I don't want to forget. Don't worry - it's my New Year's resolution to get caught up and that's not just because I got a card in the mail from Caroline Nelson of Montgomery, Alabama suggesting that her husband Harry would appreciate it if I'd rediscover my work ethic. I fear a Methodist uprising, so I'm back at it.

Heidi and her children Hope and Rhett headed back to Georgia. I tried to take a picture of y'all on the day they left, but BEHOLD THE HUMIDITY:

You could cut it with a foam sword. 

Peg Peg taught Laney how to play "Heart and Soul" on the piano, which for some reason reminds me of the time my friend Amy's mom was getting ready to have us over for dinner last summer and she asked Amy, "Does Brooke drink?" and Amy replied, "As much as she needs to."

Hagen had no interest in going to the Disney water parks, so I took Laney while Peg Peg took Hagen back to Epcot. He wanted to learn more about boring outer space and Laney wanted to hurl herself down something tall. 

They had a water ninja course. I watched lots of kids fall in, but when Laney's foam iceberg slipped out from under her feet, she held on to the ropes and monkey bar-ed it across. "THAT WAS AMAZING!!" I yelled. "BUT I WASN'T SHOOTING, SO I NEED YOU TO DO IT AGAIN SO I CAN SHOW YOUR DAD!"

Meanwhile, after I had assured Peg Peg that Hagen would be no trouble at all and would certainly be manageable at a theme park, he got in line for a ride and suffered a sudden onset gusher of a nosebleed and Peg Peg had to drag him into a bathroom to staunch the bleeding and then to a gift shop to buy him a new shirt. Standing there in a shirt covered in blood at the Disney gift shop, he lectured her on how he does NOT wear shirts with characters on them, and he needs something that's plain solid, and failing that - something that is at least symmetrical. Peg Peg does not drink, but word on the street is she's reconsidering that policy. 

A few days later, we all went to The Crayola Experience, which I don't especially recommend unless you and I are enemies and sending you to a crowded, overpriced facility where children scream about crafts would tickle me, in which case - go. 

But holy moly, the WORST place we went was Legoland. Hagen loves LEGO (because the bricks are both solid and symmetrical). The kids and I talked several times over the course of the trip about the nature of a successful family vacation: everyone gets to take a turn picking an activity that everyone else thinks is a pain in the butt. This was Hagen's thing. 

The mistake we made was going to Legoland after Disney. Disney is run like a swiss watch with a smile on its face. They have the boarding and disembarking of rides down to an actual science. Legoland is more like that scene in "Animal House" when they synchronize their watches and everyone's reads 11:00 except for Blutarsky's which is at 5:37. The posted wait times at Legoland are meaningless. Thirty minutes, an hour...whatever. They make you stow all personal items in a cubby, but to get to the cubby, everyone has to walk through their roller coaster seat, stow their stuff and come back while the next 300 people watch.

A one day ticket to Disney and a one day ticket to Legoland COST THE SAME, but it's like Legoland is Disney's sad, unemployed cousin who everyone hopes doesn't catch a ride to the reunion.

We decided to try the boat ride. There are no ride descriptions in the brochure. I told the kids "I don't think we'll get wet. Let's chance it." Hagen looked at me like I was dumber than a box of rocks and said, "I think I'm just gonna put on this raincoat." Sure enough, this ride DUMPS water on your head, then takes you out in public where spectators (who are going to hell) get to hose you down while you're belted in with nowhere to go. 

The ride ended, and Hagen was all dry and all smiles, while Laney and I squelched our way around the rest of the day. 

Hagen got to drive the kid cars, but couldn't seem to grasp steering, so an employee kept having to pull him off the wall. Smart enough to bring a raincoat to a theme park on a 100-degree day, but can't grasp the purpose of a steering wheel. He's a mystery.

I don't need to tell y'all - you LOVED it. Hagen is still talking about it, months later. I'm so glad you had a great time, but I would hire an intern to take you before I'd ever step foot in that place again. 

So that was Florida: Fun. Hot. Humid. Memorable. Humid.

Love,
Mom

Reinforcements Arrive

Y'all - 

Walt Disney World is great, don't get me wrong, but with the crowds and the heat, it can start to get to you.

...But if you're lucky, you have a sweet sister to console you.

Hagen's favorite thing about our vacation thus far had been dinner at the Irish pub at Disney Springs. They had a live band and both of you clung to the side of the stage, completely engrossed. When one of the performers approached Laney to ask if she'd like to join the dancers on stage, she shook her head "No." But then Hagen - always full of surprises - said, "I BELIEVE I WILL!"

You just never know with that kid.

Speaking of the enigma that is Hagen, the next day we went to Epcot and rode Spaceship Earth, which is a suuuuper slow, 20 minute-long ride through that big white Epcot ball, narrated by Judi Densch, that tells the history of human communication. I'm probably overselling it. Y'all, there are 90 year old librarians who would get off that ride and declare "Man, that was boring as hell." Most people ride it so they can sit down in air conditioning. HAGEN LOVED IT. In the nights to come, he would wake up in the middle of the night, sobbing (I am NOT making this up), "You only let me ride the space ride two times!!"

We maxed out our fun every day and were starting to drag a little...

And then on Day 3, reinforcements arrived!

The timing worked out for my cousin Heidi and two of her children - Hope and Rhett - to join us.

Hagen and Rhett hit it off immediately, and started making some plans for the future.

I say this as someone who has worked in the reality TV business since 1999: Rhett needs his own TV show. He's this tiny feisty redhead with a southern accent who says stuff like "Well, go ahead and ride that roller coaster, Mama, but don't come cryin' to me when you throw up."

Speaking of roller coasters, I took my GoPro camera on Splash Mountain and have enjoyed putting this picture of Heidi all over social media:

At Hollywood Studios, I asked Hagen if he wanted to ride Star Tours, which is a simulator that makes you think you're flying a spaceship like the Millenium Falcon from Star Wars. You're firing lasers and almost getting blown up and you have to wear 3D glasses. I reminded Hagen that it was just pretend, and if he got scared, he could take off his glasses and close his eyes because it was just the chair moving around and we were perfectly safe. 

This led to maybe my favorite Hagen moment of the vacation - As soon as our "windshield" lifted to reveal "outer space," Hagen had the happiest grin on his face I've ever seen. It was like he was really at warp speed, invading the Death Star as a member of the Resistance. I tried to hold his hand to remind him he was okay, and he pulled his hand back and yelled I GOTTA FLY THIS THING. 

So of course we had to go meet Chewbacca and tell him all about it. 

Laney is a huge fan of thrill rides and was loving riding all the grown up roller coasters. That night, as Hollywood Studios was near closing and the lines had died down, I suggested the girls all ride the Rock n' Roller coaster. I vaguely remembered riding it back in college, and I remembered the premise of the ride is you're in the studio with the band Aerosmith and they realize they're late for a gig at the Hollywood Bowl, so you have to meet them in the parking garage (the whole ride is indoors) where you'll get in a "limo" that will speed you through a black-lit version of Los Angeles. I repeated all of that to Laney, and reminded her that is WAS a grown-up roller coaster and probably would be super fast and in the dark. She asked me if it went upside down. I said "I truly don't remember. And it doesn't say on the ride description. I'm not lying - I just don't know. I just remember that the lights are pretty."

I'm a moron. 

Because the line was so short and so fast, we were seated in a fake limo in no time with those huge harnesses down over our heads. I couldn't see Laney to my left, but I kept a grip on her thigh to remind her I was there. Here are some facts about that ride that I've since learned: It goes 0-57 mph in 2.8 seconds, and riders experience 4.5G as they enter the first of two TWO INVERSIONS - more than an astronaut does on the space shuttle launch. 

This all came back to me as we were catapulted around inside that building while Aerosmith sang "Love In An Elevator" straight into our headrests. When the ride finally came to a stop, I still couldn't see Laney as we waited for our harnesses to be lifted. That may have been two of the scariest minutes of my life, because I didn't know if she'd passed out or was sobbing or what...and I wanted to comfort her but I was literally in lockdown. 

When the harnesses finally lifted, Laney looked at me calmly with one eyebrow raised and said, "Turns out it does go upside down. TWICE."

She skipped out of that ride so proud of herself for having done it, so we stopped on a bench right outside the exit so she could call her dad in Afghanistan and tell him all about it. 

The next day, the restaurant at our hotel had a carnival night with cotton candy and corn dogs and free face painting, and the kids went all in:

Then we headed back to the Magic Kingdom for one last round of rides.

Disney takes pictures of you like the one below every time you get on an interesting ride. Please look at Laney with her hands up on the Mine Train coaster, and then look at the boy behind her. I could laugh at that all day. It's like they're not even on the same ride. 

This is the first time Hagen was tall enough to ride a real grown up roller coaster, and I happened to get this picture with my phone as we went down the first big hill. This is a boy wearing his favorite dinosaur shirt, with make-up that makes him look like his favorite thing (triceratops) on his first-ever roller coaster. This is what pure happiness looks like.

I know I make fun of Disney all the time, but what a magical place it was. Don't tell Peg Peg.

Love,
Mom