The Farewell Tour

Hey, y'all - 

We're just a few days away from your dad embarking on The Worst Business Trip Of All Time® .

As the date approaches, we've definitely been stressing family time, and taking little trips together whenever possible. Last weekend, we went for the two-night "Family Fun Package" at Fairmont Hot Springs. Two nights at the hotel plus swimming and water slide passes, with free hot chocolates and a bag full of pool noodles and beach balls and grain to feed the llamas. 

On our way to the resort in Anaconda, MT (not a joke), we stopped in the little mining town of Philipsburg because - and I bet you didn't know this - it's home to the greatest camera and photo equipment store in western Montana. If you didn't know about it, it's probably because it looks like this:

My old photography teacher described it as "Amazon meets 'Hoarders,'" and he was not wrong. 

You can find a $2,000 Canon camera body buried under a 1986 issue of Photo magazine. But somehow, it works. Philipsburg is also home to a 100+ year old candy store, which was more of interest to y'all.

It's been unseasonably warm here, which I am going to consider a gift vs. a symptom of catastrophic climate change. It's usually snowing by this time of year, but we didn't even have to wear coats on our trip.

 Your dad, explaining the super moon:

We drove to nearby Butte, because I had never been and wanted to check it out. That took all of 12 minutes, plus lunch. 

We discovered a playground at the back of the hotel on day #2, and Hagen yelled "Mom! MOM!! Take my picture so I can remember THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" It didn't feel special enough to be the best day of your life, but that kind of thing is subjective. Also: you had been eating A LOT of candy. 

Fairmont Hot Springs has a water slide that's (I think) 6 stories tall. If you're under 50 inches tall, which Laney just barely is, you have to ride with an adult OR you can ride by yourself if you wear a life jacket. Laney said she'd prefer to ride with an adult, so your dad and I both rode it with her over and over again until I had to say "I'm forty! I've climbed 42 flights of stairs this afternoon! Leave me alone!" So Laney said, "I guess I'll just go get a life jacket, then." And she went to the life jacket bin, grabbed the one on top and sashayed on off into the distance, by herself. 

Your dad and I floated with Hagen there at the bottom of the slide, and Laney - over and over again - walked the length of the aquatic center by herself, climbed all 6 flights of stairs by herself, and then threw herself into that tube, only to swim to the side and do it again. 

At one point, we saw a woman a little older than me come screaming out of the tube, holding her nose. She surfaced, sputtering, and yelled at her husband "NO NO NO NO NO. Never again!" She looked at me and said, "I did not like that AT ALL." Her husband said, "We could tell, because we heard you screaming all the way down." "Hang on," I told her, "because you're about to see my 7 year-old come shooting out of that sumbitch."

Laney, you remain daring and fearless and independent, and I love it.

On the other hand, Hagen stopped a man getting onto the elevator and asked him, "Now, why are you wearing that bathing suit?" "Because," the man said, "I thought I'd go for a swim. Don't YOU like to go in the pool?" Hagen wagged his finger at the man and said, "Oh, nononononono." Hagen was more of a sit by the fire in the lobby and chat kind of guy. But he did like the animals. 

We got back on Sunday at 11am, and we were so wiped out that the whole family got in bed together and stayed there all day, watching movies on the iPad and snuggling. 

Beautiful time we'll remember forever. Pass the candy. 

Love,

Mom

Stop Being Afraid and Work Harder

Hey, y'all - 

On Election Day, I picked Laney up at the bus stop and we walked to our neighborhood polling place. I waited to vote 'til I could take her with me, because I wanted to stress how important it is for you to participate in the election process. It's the least one can do as a concerned citizen; I've spent the last week thinking about the 43% of registered voters who couldn't be bothered. 

On the way to vote, we talked about how it wasn't so long ago that women weren't allowed to vote at all - when Granny Jack's mom was Laney's age, it was illegal for women. Laney found that surprising. 

Pamphlets from the late 1800s / early 1900s declared that women's suffrage would put America under "Petticoat Rule," and political cartoons seemed to suggest that the only women who would want the vote are the single, ugly ones, or the mothers who don't care about their families. That's something Laney and I discuss often: that sometimes, when people want to criticize a woman's thoughts or ideas, the first thing they'll do it call her fat or ugly. That's the lazy man's go-to way to demean a woman. So we try to always remember that our worth has very little to do with our outward appearance. 

Laney took a picture of me filling out what I'd hoped would be an historic ballot, then we went home to watch the election returns with a US map and a dry erase marker. 

In the end, it didn't go our way. That happens sometimes. 

Your dad and I lost some sleep over it. I know this, because at 4:28am a few days after the election, he got up and wrote this:

There you have it. Your dad communicates the same way Hagen eats: A lot, all at once. One day, he'll probably run for public office and I will endeavor not to be a liability to the campaign. 

I saw this tweet the other day, and it made me tear up a little:

...because maybe the girl she's talking about spent the night of Nov 8, 2016 coloring in the electoral college map with her favorite markers. 

Love,

Mom

Happy Halloween 2016

Hey, y'all -

It's been a tiring couple of weeks. I had some of those weird headaches like the one I had a few years ago, so I had to go have one of those awful brain scans. Turns out there's nothing (new) wrong with me, so that's good news. It's like the day you turn forty, you start falling apart. I'm basically a washing machine one day past its warranty.

For Halloween this year, Laney wanted to be a butterfly. Her costume was a monument to failing upward, and a constant reminder that I should have listened to my mother every time she tried to teach me something about sewing because I obviously absorbed nothing.

I found the green dress at the thrift store for $3. Score. Then I ordered the wings, but they weren't wide enough to reach all the way to her fingertips. But I couldn't return them for the adult size, because those were enormous. So I cut the feet off a pair of old socks and made armband wing holders. Then the armpit bands meant to hold the wings in place started bugging her, so we cut 'em off. Then the dress started falling down in front, so I sewed a foot of pantyhose to make a halter top, which could both hold up the dress AND give me something to stick the wings to. And it matched her skin tone. Now we're cooking.

Then of course the temperature dropped to 40 and she couldn't possibly trick or treat in a strapless dress. Well, she COULD, but then I'd have to explain at every house: "Please don't call the authorities on us; this child runs hot and wanted to wear flip flops, so it could be worse." Instead, Laney went into her ski clothes collection and picked a nice base layer which went GREAT with those nude hose.

Eh, whatever. You got plenty of candy.

Then there's Hagen. Hagen wanted to be a dragon puppy. I will refer all follow-up questions in re: dragon puppies to Hagen, because they're his invention, and he will happily talk to you all dang day long about a dragon puppy's diet and habitat and fire-breathing/snuggling abilities. I found a bear suit missing its head at a yard sale for $1 last year and had a feeling it would come in handy one day.

We went trick-or-treating with our friends the Newhouses, including their kids Emmy and Kai. Emmy was Rey from Star Wars and Kai was - of course - Batman.

Your dad dressed as a ninja in all black, thus violating every Halloween safety rule there is, and annoying the heck out of his wife. Can't tell you how many times I hollered "Has anybody seen Thor?!?" only to discover he was standing right next to me. Bet it takes you a second to spot him in this picture:

If you were a fan of how Hagen complimented the neighbors on their patio furniture last year, and wanted to talk their ears off about landscaping, you should have been with us THIS year. Every time someone said, "Oh my! What a cute dragon!," he came back with, "Well, actually, I'm a dragon PUPPY. You can tell because of my snuggly body..." etc. etc. with the dragon puppy facts, until the homeowner looked at me like "Is this kid for real?" Even my friend Jess, who is a paragon of patience had to tell Hagen at one point, as he was caressing an outdoor planter, "Yeah, yeah, the decorative kale is beautiful. NOW GO GET THE CANDY."

He started by telling this poor old man who we had never before seen in our lives that his witch decoration was a little scary. Then, "Why don't you have on a costume? You should get a costume. but not a scary one. You know what you could be?..."

I walked up to pull you away just in time to hear him say, "OK, I'm going to go inside now."

I think he was worn slap out.

About 45 minutes into trick-or-treating, Hagen said, 'Well, I think I have enough candy. I'm going home now." So Dad walked him home. But this one wasn't even slowing down:

We ran into Laney's best friend Laila, which was great fun, and then we ran home to take inventory; I'd promised we could stay out 'til 7:30p or your bucket was full, whichever came first. Next year, I'm getting you a smaller bucket. 

Love,
Mom

Wacky. Weird. Wonderful.

Dear Hagen, 

Here are some things you're into these days:

1) Avoiding social gatherings of more than three people. 

Chaos is not your bag. A few weeks ago, Laney had some shrieky girlfriends over to play, so you built a wall of pillows around yourself on the couch and burrowed down with an iPad and waited for those crazy girls to go the heck home. 

We had a play date over here with some fun siblings not too long ago, and you played with the boy for about an hour and then said, "Well, this was fun. I need some alone time now." And went in your room and shut the door. It reminded me of those classic stories of Dean Martin throwing a party at his house in Beverly Hills, then calling the cops on himself to break it up so he could go to bed. 

2) Instructional videos.

Your favorite thing to watch these days is not a show, but YouTube "unboxed" videos. I didn't even know such things existed until you found them online and started watching them semi-religiously. An "unboxed" video is footage of someone - usually a toy reviewer, but sometimes another kid - opening the box of a brand new toy and talking through the pieces that come with it, how the toy works, the pros and cons, etc. Turns out you love talking specs. 

3) Finley. Still and forever.

Finley came by the other morning for the carpool to school wearing a frog towel. You looked at him for a split second and said, "I'll go get my duck towel and we can go." Because it's totally reasonable that if your friend is an aquatic creature, you are, too. 

I bought y'all matching fire rescue packs and you spent hours together, just squirting water off the porch. 

4) Avoiding physical activity. 

Your teacher Ms Correy sends me pictures of you at recess, and while everyone else is running and playing tag, you're chilling in a tunnel. 

We got you on a scooter the other day, but you said it was only fun if Dad pulled you through the neighborhood. 

You can be talked into walking through the woods if we don't call it a hike, and you get to stop every ten feet to talk about Transformers. You maintain a 0.25 mph pace. 

5) Talking. Dear God at the talking. 

This is a picture of you playing Pictionary. You and your dad were a team, and you narrated every single thing you drew as you drew it.

(P.S. Laney and I still won.)

6) A wolf-inspired system of eating.

You can go two full days without eating anything, and then devour enough food to make an NFL player blush. I used to worry about it, but then your dad explained to me that this is what wolves do...go long stretches without eating as they prowl the tundra and then, you know, bring down an elk.

Or in your case: Two full kid's meals from Outback Steakhouse and an ice cream sundae.

7) Flirting. 

I know it's a crazy thing to accuse a 4 year-old of, but holy smokes do you come alive for older women. This happened a few weeks ago:

Cracker Barrel Waitress: "Hi, I'm Betty."

Hagen: "Hi, I'm a Hagen. A Hagen Burbach. But you can call me Hagey-Bagey."

Me: "Please don't call him Hagey-Bagey."

All the women in the various service industries of Missoula want to eat you up with a spoon.

8) Outerwear

If you take a hat or rain coat to school, you want to wear it ALL DAY. And then possibly sleep in it at night. 

Ms. Correy sent me this picture of you at school earlier this week, and I love everything about it. Correy has an ancient lab named Saint who comes to school every day. Sometimes he wants to hang out on your work mat, and it doesn't bother you a bit. 

"Saint" was definitely the right name for that dog, because she also sent me this video clip of ten seconds in the life of Saint:

9) Being fiendishly clever.

Your dad and I have been in the process of converting our side utility porch into a pantry. It was finally time to get the thing painted last weekend, so I told you and Laney (and her visiting friend Amya) that you could help paint. The girls were enthusiastic for the first ten minutes, then abandoned the project for something more fun. 

I came back to the pantry after a break, and found you still in there, painting away. I asked you, "What's going on? What happened to the girls?"

"Well," you explained, "I'm painting, and they're ain'ting."

Ain'ting is my new favorite verb.

Later in the afternoon, I came back from a potty break and discovered you were gone...but so was my little tub of paint. I found you out in the yard, painting the exterior of the house that squash yellow. "I'm just so sick of this dark green," you complained. 

Man are you fun these days. 

Love,

Mom