Your First Plane Trip (the return)

Oh Laney,

On the way down to Florida, you were a dream. You slept almost the whole way, and when you weren't sleeping, you were smiling at strangers.

But on the way home. Lord, on the way home...

You cried. You hollered. You wiggled. You fussed. And 45 minutes before we landed, right after the "Fasten Seat Belts" light came on, you pooped.

If you ever question how much I love you, remember that I once held you in my arms for almost an hour after you pooped on me.

Love,

Mom

The Gordita

Dear Laney,

We hit the outlet mall today, which made your grandmother happy, and made your dad miserable. You know how he hates crowds, retail stores that aren't REI and any temperature above 50 degrees, so for him, an outlet mall in south Florida is the perfect storm.

While I was strolling you around the mall, the Latinas kept pointing to you in your stroller and using the Spanish word "gordita." I didn't know what it meant, so I called Amy. Amy said that "gordita" means really really chubby.

I think that's mean. You're NOT gordita. You're just gordita-ISH.

Love,

Mom

Four Generations of Squinty-Eyed Short Women

Dear Laney,

One of the things I was most excited about for your first Christmas was introducing you to your great-aunt Robyn.

I was named for Robyn and we have a lot of things in common: We have the same toes. Our purses and our cars are always a mess. We both like to hang out at home with our dogs and usually hate to talk on the phone.

But Robyn has some other great qualities that I don't always have - she's patient and helpful and beautiful and almost never says ugly things about people, even when they probably deserve it.

So...if you wanted to take after your great aunt, that'd be super.

Love,

Mom

P.S. If you're going to be photogenic, it's going to have to come from your Dad's side of the family.

Wish They All Could Be Alberton Girls

Dear Laney,

We're spending your first Christmas in Florida with your grandparents, your great-grandmother and your great-aunt Robyn. I think you like it here, because the weather allows you to be pants-optional, and we all know how you feel about going pantsless.

Santa found you all the way down in Miramar, so you must have been good this year. Then again, you only had to be good for four months.

Love,

Mom

Santa's Grumpiest Elf

Dear Laney,

I took you to the mall today to have your picture taken with Santa Claus. We got there 20 minutes early so we would be the first people in line, and you would still be in a good mood when it came time for your photo.

While we were waiting, you started making that sound you love to make...the one that sounds like "EEEEEEEEEE!" There was a 4 year old boy in line behind us, and he thought it would be funny to make that sound back to you. For 20 whole minutes, all of us in line had to listen to:

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

Then, it was the big moment: time for you to meet Santa. And all of a sudden, your good mood disappeared and you were READY TO GO HOME. NOW.

Dad and I love this picture, because you look like an elf in Santa's workshop who's about to go on strike. Oh well, we'll try again next year.

Love,

Mom

You're On The Chart!

Dear Laney,

When we took you to your 2-month Dr.'s appointment, we learned that you were in the 75th percentile for height, and your weight was "off the charts." Today, we took you for your 4-month appointment. You got a few more shots (both of us cried less than we did last time - yay, us!) Then, Dr Hoover told us that you're in the 90th percentile for height and in the 99th for weight. Granny Jack pointed out that at least you're on the chart.

Now, stop trying to eat wrapping paper, and we'll really start making progress.

Love,

Mom

The Great Outdoors

Dear Laney,

You went on a hike with Dad today. I tried not to laugh for the whole fifteen minutes it took Dad to get you into this snowsuit. You looked like the little boy in the movie "The Christmas Story" who falls down in the snow and can't get up because he's wearing too many clothes.

You didn't look like much of a rugged mountain woman with that pacifier in your mouth. Also - you slept through the whole thing.

...But maybe I would enjoy nature a lot more, too, if someone would just haul me around while I nap.

Love,

Mom

Laney's Rules

Dear Laney,

It's your world, we're just living in it.

So far, you have taught us the following rules and preferences:

1. Always the green pacifier. Sometimes the clear pacifiers. NEVER the purple pacifier.

2. When you're stressed, you prefer to nap on your side.

3. You do NOT like to be held facing in to the person who's holding you, UNLESS that person produces a boob.

4. Being two minutes late to feed you is okay. Being three minutes late IS NOT.

5. You like your bottles really warm. No, warmer than that. A little warmer. NO! THAT'S TOO WARM.

6. You cover your eyes when the light is too bright. Your pediatrician actually lowers the light when she checks on you, because you let her know what you thought about her bright office.

7. Cutting your toenails? Fine. Cutting your fingernails? THE END OF THE WORLD.

8. Blankets covering your legs are unacceptable. As God is your witness, you refuse to keep a blanket over your legs. If we drape one over you, you become a mini Rockette until that thing is gone.

9. Gus can lick your feet, but NO ONE can touch the back of your neck.

10. When you're unhappy, we can make it better by singing "I Will Survive" or "King of the Road," but bouncing you on our knee makes a bad situation worse. Much worse.

I'm sure that over the years, you will teach us eight million more of these. Be patient with us - sometimes it takes us a while to catch on. We're trying to keep up, but we're old.

Be gentle.

Love,

Mom

Your First Christmas Present

Dear Laney,

Your Grandma Sue gave you your first Christmas present this morning, and to me, this is what it looks like you're thinking in these pictures:

1. "Wow, I got a present!"

2. "What's a present?"

3. "Where's the gift receipt?"

The gift turned out to be an awesome teething ring made out of little bug-shaped rubber beads. I know you love it, because you've already slobbered all over it. That's how you show your love for things: with drool. You and Gus have that in common.

Love,

Mom

Thanks, Grandma Sue

Dear Laney,

I had a lot of work to do this week, so your Grandma came over from Spokane so you would have someone to play with. The two of you read books and watched "The West Wing" and sang songs and learned how to catalog shop - all very important things.

She also brought over a big tin of the BEST COOKIES EVER. I have eaten five of them today. So, if your mom weighs 400 pounds when you read this, it's your grandmother's fault.

Love,

Mom

Shopping Is Exhausting

Dear Laney,

For the first few months of your life, I was scared to take you anywhere. I was worried that you would become unhappy in the middle of an errand and cause a scene. One thing about you, Laney: when you're unhappy, you LET PEOPLE KNOW.

But now, you've become a lot more reasonable. You seem to like shopping, or at least getting out and seeing new things and new people. And when all else fails, you're happy to go to sleep.

As Granny Jack would say, "Thank you for being flexible and cooperative."

Love,

Mom

P.S. Pay no attention to the beer in the cart. It's certainly not there because you never let us sleep and Mama needs to take the edge off. No way.