I Am So Lame

Dear Laney,

You've been giving me this look a lot lately:

...so we're running about 9 years ahead of schedule on that.

Here's an example of a question I might ask that is so dumb it can barely be tolerated: "What song did you learn in music class today?"

Laney: Sigh.  We didn't learn a song. Eye roll. We learned how to play the lollipop drum. 

Me: What's a lollipop drum?

Readers: If you think that second question is also dumb as hell, you and Laney are on the same page.

I may or may not have told your dad that "one of these days, I'm going to snatch that young'un bald-headed."

Your school had an ice cream social yesterday afternoon. You're the blue dot in the middle of the picture, walking away from me, so you can go sit with your friends:

There was an interview with Kid Rock in Esquire a few years ago, in which he talked about taking his teenage son and his son's friend to the movies. When they got into the movie theatre, the son took his friend to sit on another row so they could pretend not to be with his dad. Kid Rock said, "What? Do you not think I'm COOL?!? You know, some people think I'm the coolest mother on the planet, so sit your butt down." I guess it's universal.

Other than that, being a kindergartener seems to really agree with you.

For the first week of school, I packed your lunch in cute little containers...an entree and two sides and a note. You thought that was cool, 'til you discovered the cafeteria served cheese pizza. Every day, I pick you up and ask about your school day, and the first thing you say is "Lunch was SO GOOD." You may or may not actually be learning anything. Then, you discovered that every day, the school also provides peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, in case you don't like the daily entree.

Laney: Mom! Mom! I had a BP&J for lunch! 

Me: A PB&J? 

Laney: Yeah! A BP&J. 

Me: I thought you hated peanut butter? 

Laney: But I love the school's peanut butter!  

Dad: What's so cool about the peanut butter sandwich at school? 

Laney: Well! It's not square. It's round. And it's white. And it's all pressed together like it's one piece. And around the edges it has a pattern that kinda looks like little triangles. And you bite into it and it has peanut butter and jelly on the inside, and... (this is where, if this conversation happened in a movie, you'd see the hands of a clock spinning around and calendar pages flying off the wall to indicate the passage of minutes, hours, days as Laney continues to talk about this dang sandwich)...it's awesome!!! 

Dad: I didn't think we were going to get 2,000 words on the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  

Me: Next, she'll be telling us how George Washington Carver's peanut research in the 1920s made her sandwich possible. 

By the end of your monologue, your dad and I had figured out that this is what you're eating for lunch:

 ...which is gross. But is also why you're excited to go to school every morning. So we've decided to shake hands with the Smuckers-stuffed devil to keep the peace.

Now sit your butt down and act like you know us. 

Love,

Mom