Dear Hagen,
Last month, you had your appointment for your 5-Year Well Child visit. This seems like a good time to step back and take a look at how you've grown and just who you are these days.
In preparation for your visit, your doctor's office sent us a development workbook - pages of activities I should get you to attempt at home (everything from reciting the alphabet to jumping on one foot) to see if your language and motor skills were developing appropriately. You and Laney and I had way too much fun with this workbook. Every time there was a physical challenge, Laney coached you through it... "You CAN jump on one leg from here to the kitchen! I know you can! Like a flamingo, buddy!" And I rolled my eyes, thinking, "This is probably why the boy doesn't want to put on his own coat - 'cause he's got two women telling him how to do every dang thing and applauding."
Completing the workbook took us forever.
There was a section that required you to write your name and draw shapes. You can't ever just DO the assignment. You have to stop and ask philosophical questions like, "But what IS a rectangle, really?" Dude, I am not going to discuss the origins of geometry with you right now; just draw the damn shape. And then there was a box where you were supposed to draw a human figure. "Hagen, can you draw a person for me?" "No," you said, "but I CAN draw a monster that evolves into a robot."
At the bottom of the parent portion of the workbook was an essay question: "Do you have any concerns or worries about your child's development?" I wrote, "He's quirky as hell, but we're not worried."
Dr. Hoover told me the office enjoyed that, very much.
At your appointment, you were 42 pounds and 42 inches. We like our young'uns square as possible. At the end of our visit, I lied and told you that the nurse was going to give you some medicine before we left. What I meant was, 'She's going to give you some shots in your thigh." As she was giving you your vaccinations, you yelled "HEEEYY!" like you'd been duped. Then you hopped down from the table and she asked you, "Here's a sucker. Will you shake my hand?" and you said, "I WILL NOT!" and headed out to the parking lot with that sucker in your mouth. I had to jog behind you and call out to the receptionist: "Glad we don't have a co-pay! BYE!"
Even that workbook - as exhaustive as it seemed - didn't give a full view of who you are as a person, so here are some things I want to remember about Hagen, age 5.
1) You're charming as hell. You will wear handmade hats and browse the bakery with me and say hello to every person you meet on the way.
2) You are not afraid to pave your own way. Sometimes, we go to parties at Ms Julie's house. In her basement, Ms Julie has a large kennel, filled with pillows. Every once in a while, you are the only little boy at these parties, and the girls play loud, squealing, running-around-crazy games that you want nothing to do with. A few months ago at one of these occasions, you went downstairs with a bowl of chips, a juice box and an iPad, locked yourself in the kennel with your snack and a marathon of "Transformers." Some of the women I'd never met before at the party asked me, 'Is that little boy at the bottom of the stairs okay?" And then I heard some of the men around the fire say, "I wish I'd thought of it first." Last time we were there, you got your friend Kai in there with you, along with half a cheese pizza, so you're really making this boy-sanctuary trend happen.
3) If I tell you we need to walk next door to feed the neighbor's cat, this is the outfit you come up with. Neon boots, Christmas ribbon scarf, water cannon. I showed this to your dad, who made lots of "Highlander - there can be only one" jokes.
4) You love painted fingernails, but each finger needs to be a different, carefully-chosen color. This falls under my Hagen Standard Time rule, where you take how long something normally takes, and then - if involving Hagen - you times two and add five. [Fun fact: This is also how they determine the wait time at Outback Steakhouse. 10 names on the wait list = 25 min wait.]
6) You keep your teachers entertained. Last week, you told Ms. Correy, "Today I am going to do something COMPLETELY different!" "What's that?" she asked. "My work!" you said.
A few days later, she sent me this picture of you wearing your coat inside out because "the inside is green and the Incredible Hulk is also green."
Your sister got a new math board game, so you went into school and told Ms. Correy that she needed to teach you addition by the end of the day so you could beat Laney at her own game. Ms. Correy tried her hardest to give you a first-grade education in 7 hours, but in the end, Laney helped you through it:
7) You sleep anywhere you damn well please. Middle of the living room, doorway to the office, behind the bedroom curtains. I don't fight it, because even if I get you to sleep in your own bed, you'll wake up an hour later after I'm asleep and move yourself and I'll have to worry about tripping over you in the dark.
8) Speaking of weird stuff at night, you told me not long ago, "Sometimes, I like to do art when everybody else is sleeping." Well, that's not strange at all. You've drawn overnight murals on your dry erase wall, you've colored designs on your LEGO with a Sharpie, and you've made a tray full of multi-colored Play Doh worms and then put traffic cones around them in your closet so your sister and I would know they're off-limits.
9) You're the kind of guy who:
-Will spend half an hour trying to teach the dog how to play Pokemon.
- Likes to be the inside of a "Hagen sandwich."
- Is the life of the party, once we convince you to GO to the party.
I had all of this in mind earlier this week when I drove to Laney's school to register you for kindergarten. Holy moly, how could that even be possible?!?
Again, I was presented with a questionnaire on what your future teacher should know about you. But by this time, it's old hat:
I think you're absolutely incredible, and I love seeing how your mind works every day. Granny Jack told me a long time ago, when I first became a mother: "That's the thing about children. They already know who they're going to be. You can spend your whole life fighting it, but they arrive with their own personalities and you just have to hang on."
I'm so glad I get to be a part of this ride.
Love,
Mom
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