Erica Kane

Dear Laney,

When I was little, one of Peg Peg's pet names for me was "Erica Kane." Erica was a character on the soap opera All My Children who was prone to frequent crying jags, energetic tantrums, and screaming matches. Wherever she went, vases shattered against the wall. Her life was a whirlwind of drama, not least because she couldn't seem to make a run to the grocery store without picking up a new husband. By the time the show was cancelled, her full married name was Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahay Chandler Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery (but only because the two marriages to Mike Roy were illegal). Anyway, it seemed that by the age of 3, I had developed a flair for the histrionic that rivaled Ms. Kane's, only all I ever got to show for it was a "time out," vs. 14 consecutive nominations for a Daytime Emmy.

Like blue eyes and short legs, it seems I have passed this surplus of drama on to you.

Yesterday, you were a pill. You were wailing and flopping around on the couch like a hooked trout because you wanted to make cookies and I told you you'd have to wait 'til later. The screaming and gnashing of teeth got so bad that I told you to go to your room, and as I closed the door, I said, "You can come out when you remember how to be nice."

This was followed by some random screaming, then some toys being hurled around the room, then things went quiet just long enough for you to take a deep breath and proclaim: I DON'T HAVE A FRIEND IN THE WORLD!

Hand to God, that's what you yelled. I can't even imagine where you would have heard that, Ms. Kane.

This morning, you woke me up at 5:04a.m. to tell me you wanted hot chocolate. "Laney," I explained, "It isn't time to get up yet, and Mom really needs to sleep. Go back downstairs and I'll make you something to drink in a few hours." "Fine," you retorted, as your eyes narrowed to slits, "I'll just go play with Hagen," in the tone of voice Erica Kane would have used when vowing to steal all the husbands in Pine Valley. So of course your dad and I both jumped up because the LAST thing we wanted was for you to go wake up your brother.

That's it - I'm getting you a sparkly turban and caftan so the next time you channel your inner unhinged diva, at least you'll look the part.

Love,
Mom