Miscel-laney-ous

Hey y'all,

If it burns any calories maintaining this expression:

Montana should have made me skinny as hell by now, because I feel like I look like this all. the. time. 

A few weeks ago, Grandma Sue was at the house and asked me why our garbage can was laying on its side. I opened the door to investigate and discovered a BEAR, sitting at the end of our front walk, helping himself to a container of French Vanilla Coffeemate. 

This is a picture of where he was sitting. 

I don't have a picture of the bear himself, because I shrieked and ran back inside the house. Our friend The Other Brooke once posted a beautiful photo on facebook that she had taken of a mountain lion. When it comes to wildlife encounters, she can focus on aperture and shutter settings. I can focus on not tee-teeing in my pants.

Last week, your dad took Ella and Gus on a hike. Ella disappeared into a bush, and came back with a skunk in her mouth. The skunk was understandably perturbed about being mauled, so it hosed Ella down at point-blank range. It took Ella over 24 hours to regain the gift of sight, your Dad had to dispose of the clothes he was wearing, and our backyard smelled like skunk for a week.

I caught a chipmunk sneaking into my car.

Laney and I were playing on the swingset when we heard a thundering noise coming from behind the wood pile. A deer jumped out and hustled down the road. 

Last night, your dad and I were watching TV - when you go to bed, I promise we don't watch Strawberry Shortcake without you - and I saw something big and dark fly in front of the TV. I collected my things and went into the bedroom. I yelled through the shut bedroom door: "Thor, I'm going to guess that wasn't a sweet little bird who got lost on his way home. Because this is our house we're talking about, it's going to end up being some crazy-ass thing I don't want to know about. I'm going to bed, and I don't want to hear about it 'til it's gone."

He came into the bedroom a few minutes later, chucking: "It was a bat!"

Hee hee. 

Y'all, I'm done.

 ______________________

Dear Laney,

When it comes to your brother, nothing goes without saying, including "Don't poke him in the eye," "You're squishing him," "Don't squeeze his neck so tight," "Quit stealing his baby food...because you're not a baby, that's why!" etc.  

Your dad says, "Maybe that's why second children are always a little wonky - because their heads have been rattled and they've been deprived of oxygen." I told Peg Peg this, and she yelled, "Don't talk about Nate that way!"

Incidentally, Peg Peg = a second child.

 ______________________

TWO CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ONE THING

After the Pacifier Fairy came to our house and removed all of the pacifiers in exchange for a Strawberry Shortcake convertible and some Skittles, I got one of those helpful-but-not-really letters from Clay Mercer, letting me know that she would relapse. It was so matter-of-fact that he might as well have written, "After you pick Laney up from her 21-day stint at the Betty Ford clinic, you can start counting the days 'til she has too much tequila at the office Christmas party."

Our mistake was not getting rid of Hagen's pacifiers, too - if you're industrious and know how to use a butterfly net and a stool (let's say), one can always be found. 

In the car yesterday:

Laney: Can you get me one of the pacifiers in that bag?
Mom: No.
(beat)
Laney: Hey Mom? Can you do me a fayyy-vor?
Mom: Sure, what?
Laney: Get me a pacifier from that bag.
Mom: No.
(beat)
Laney: Mom! I found a solution!
Mom: What is it?
Laney: You get me a pacifier from that bag!

It was just like that old Saturday Night Live sketch where Chevy Chase played the Land Shark, who would knock on people's doors, trying to convince then to open up so he could devour them. Knock-Knock "Plumber!" "But I didn't call for a..." "Candygram!"

Then this morning:

Laney: Mom, 'member when the Pacifier Fairy came to our house and left me the Strawberry Shortcake car?
Mom: Yes, she did that because you were going to give up your pars forever.
Laney: Yeah.
Mom: But it didn't work, did it?
Laney: No.
Mom: Why not?
Laney: 'Cause the wheels kept getting stuck.

When you see me on the street and wonder like I look so tired, allow me to direct your attention to the contents of this post.

Love,

Mom